They say the best things take time. That’s why I’m always late.

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It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.

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I miss when The Weeknd made haunted strip club music. Didn’t know how good I had it.

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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales.

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Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

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Did I eat too much candy today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

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Daniel Craig leaving Bond to become Benoit Blanc is one of the best things to ever happen.

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Just accidentally closed a tab I’ve had been meaning to read for the past 2 years.

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Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

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Actually, men should take the pill. It makes more sense to unload the gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

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I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.