According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

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The French only eat snails because they don’t like fast food.

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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

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Some people feel like unpaid actors in my sitcom called “What Fresh Chaos Is This?”

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You spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”.

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Me, having zero balance in my account, viewing houses worth 10 million, and being like, “No, I don’t like the kitchen.”

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If you listen closely, you can hear me not caring.

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Way too many low IQ conspiracy theories floating around. Give me high IQ conspiracy theories.

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I hate it when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

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Sleep is a free trial of death but with ads.

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There should be a good 10 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.