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Home Funny Quotes According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

New funny quotes ✨

Drinking coffee because throwing chairs at people is frowned upon.

Drinking coffee because throwing chairs at people is frowned upon.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
My cat smells like cigarettes again and I'm sick of his excuses.

My cat smells like cigarettes again and I’m sick of his excuses.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Stop avoiding your banking app. Go look at what you’ve done.

Stop avoiding your banking app. Go look at what you’ve done.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Stop making eye contact with me, I can't afford a wedding right now.

Stop making eye contact with me, I can’t afford a wedding right now.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Spent most of the day making sure my couch still works. So far so good.

Spent most of the day making sure my couch still works. So far so good.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
We should just cancel April Fools Day this year. No prank can top reality right now.

We should just cancel April Fools Day this year. No prank can top reality right now.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
A woman's sigh can speak a 1000 words.

A woman’s sigh can speak a 1000 words.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Told my girl I'm tired of her dramas and she bought me an energy drink.

Told my girl I’m tired of her dramas and she bought me an energy drink.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Scams used to be like “free money!” and now they’re like “hello, we have a job for you”, which seems to be a bad sign.

Scams used to be like “free money!” and now they’re like “hello, we have a job for you”, which seems to be a bad sign.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
My couch better stop looking at me like that, it knows exactly what it’s doing.

My couch better stop looking at me like that, it knows exactly what it’s doing.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
90% of the things I worry about never happen. Worrying seems to be working.

90% of the things I worry about never happen. Worrying seems to be working.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Cars should come with a secondary smaller "sorry" horn for when you do something a lil silly by accident.

Cars should come with a secondary smaller “sorry” horn for when you do something a lil silly by accident.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Never meeting another person again, so if I know you already, congrats!

Never meeting another person again, so if I know you already, congrats!

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
That urge to nap between 3pm - 5pm is no joke.

That urge to nap between 3pm – 5pm is no joke.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025
Stop using ChatGPT. I can feed you misinformation too and I'm also beautiful and funny sometimes.

Stop using ChatGPT. I can feed you misinformation too and I’m also beautiful and funny sometimes.

Funny Quotes Mar 8, 2025