Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

34 shares on Pinterest this month:

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped. How’d they get a picture of my mother?

49 shares on Twitch this month:

Can someone please fix the algorithm of my life?

59 shares on Telegram this month:

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

22 shares on Messenger this month:

Give yourself time to heal. A couple of decades should do it.

76 shares on Instagram this month:

Starting is the hardest part. Unless it’s eating chocolate. Then stopping is the hardest part.

52 shares on Messenger this month:

The reason I stay up late is because I don’t want my free time to end, and tomorrow to start.

42 shares on Telegram this month:

Horoscope: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

26 shares on Telegram this month:

I read classics because my FOMO is making me want to understand every reference ever.

15 shares on WeChat this month:

Text a co-worker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank.

49 shares on Threads this month:

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”