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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence.

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Maybe if I spend another day alone in my room then something life-changing will suddenly happen to me!?

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Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

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Ending my thesis paper with “but who cares what I think?”

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Cafeteria is a beautiful name for a baby girl.

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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

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Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.