Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

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Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.”

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I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travelers, are you dumb?

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Reverse cowgirl, so we can both address the elephant in the room.

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I have so much planned today that I was already tired thinking of it yesterday.

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If I ever had to fight a bear, I hope it’s a gummy bear.

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Dear men, my ‘biological clock’ isn’t my weakness. It’s your final deadline to prove you’re worthy.

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If you see me sad, just hug me and put some money in my pocket.

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Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

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Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet, baby.

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When you see a squirrel, you’re bound to say, “Awww, a squirrel!”