Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in.
  • If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
  • You can count the number of times my wife has agreed with me on one hand, if you don’t have fingers.
  • We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up.
  • If I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. Sir, I am in my jim-jams.
  • I think Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup.