Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

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Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

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Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

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Taking off my house pajamas to put on my errands pajamas.

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Don’t study, get slutty!

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Pets can’t talk but everyone loves them. This is not a coincidence.

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“Cut my life into pieces” screamed the earthworm and threw itself in front of my spade.

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My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on TikTok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk.

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Due to financial reasons, I will now be performing photosynthesis.