Forget Spotify Wrapped. How many minutes did you spend listening to your girlfriend this year?

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Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

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I drive safer when there’s food in my passenger’s seat than when there’s a person sitting there.

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The pain of watching a movie with someone who talks a lot.

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I feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now.

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You think you’re aging well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind.

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For the amount of meat you get out of clam, I feel like we could just leave them alone.

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I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating all the sweets myself.

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Grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk.

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Today’s book recommendation: “The Art of Silence” by the famous Chinese philosopher Shut-Up.

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Men will ruin your whole life then come back and like your story.