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My friendโ€™s kid asked me if I had any games on phone so I let her text my ex.

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Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

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Male birth control is free, and it’s called wearing Crocs with socks.

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I really thought adulthood would be 50% freedom and 50% fun. Turns out it’s 100% bills.

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I really want a family… sized bag of peanut butter M&Ms.

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Thereโ€™s no filter on my pics or my thoughts. Iโ€™m just out here raw-dogging it.

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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

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I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I donโ€™t live in a commercial.

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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

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Ramen is just anime spaghetti.

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Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

Commentary:
"Friday the 13th used to bring the chills, but now it's just another day cursed with bad luck! ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ”ฎ Who stole the spooky magic from the calendar? ๐Ÿ“†#EverydayIsFridaythe13thNow"



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