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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇱🇾 has bookmarked:

The trick is to be born in the right place and at the right time. If you mess that up, it gets tedious.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has bookmarked:

Dark mode changed me. White screens now feel like staring into the sun.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has copied:

I’d be less aggressive in the morning if I could drive to work in a tank.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has bookmarked:

I’m pretty sure by now that we’re some kind of satire channel on some other planet.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has copied:

I hate commas. It’s not my job to tell you when you breathe. Work it out, you’re a grown adult.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has viewed:

So far, no one has seriously tried to bribe me, which is a shame because I am extremely corrupt. Maybe I need a position with more power.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has bookmarked:

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has shared:

The best thing about driving in the snow is staying home.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has shared:

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has shared:

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2450 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,612

Funny Quotes Topics

15,284

Funny Quotes Images

12,612

Updated

50 minutes ago

Users Online

3,437

Social Media Log 💫

Reported on Instagram:

You ever get into such a weird mood you have to put yourself on house arrest for a couple days?

Just landed via WeChat:

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Seen just now on Discord:

RIP to everyone killed by the Gods for their hubris, but I’m different. And better. Maybe even better than the Gods.

Seen just now on Threads:

When you clean your room so well that the only trash left is you.

Seen just now on Telegram:

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Making waves on Pinterest:

My brain is on airplane mode today.

Seen just now on YouTube:

Karma not moving fast enough for me. I would hate to handle it myself, Lord.

Shared recently on Instagram:

If you order a pizza with veggies on it, you can tell people you had a salad.

Just landed via Telegram:

Breaking news: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

Shared recently on Twitch:

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.

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Funny distracted quotes

New funny distracted quotes 👇

4 weeks ago
Share →: I drive safer when there’s food in my passenger’s seat than when there’s a person sitting there.

Commentary:
"Priorities: keeping fries safe since day one! 🚗🍟😄 #FoodOverFriends"

For even more funny distracted quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny distracted quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

New Funny Quotes

Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇽 has downloaded:

Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to flirt today.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has shared:

Alcohol and eye contact is a deadly combo.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has bookmarked:

Death cannot harm me more than you have harmed me, my beloved life.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has bookmarked:

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

Someone from 🇦🇹 has bookmarked:

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has shared:

I am not someone you have to entertain if you invite me, because I will have canceled.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has downloaded:

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has viewed:

All my life choices led me to this post right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has copied:

Yesterday I really wanted tacos and now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams!

Someone from 🇨🇿 has viewed:

I’m a private person except for when I’m publicly trauma dumping on social media.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Facebook:

No more relationships for me; the last one was an embarrassment to my gangsta.

Trending via Twitch:

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Stop blaming everyone for your problems. Pick one person you really hate and blame them for everything.

Trending via Reddit:

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

The ‘E’ in my name stands for ‘Everything you need.’

Reported on WhatsApp:

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

Going viral on TikTok:

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning, but I also want to be happy.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

If I was a weather man, I’d leak the weather early to pretty women.

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

Just shared via Telegram:

Climbing Mount Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill, are cold and at the brink of death. No thanks.

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Funny distracted quotes

New funny distracted quotes 👇

For even more funny distracted quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny distracted quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be.

I’ve discovered that my visiting family members leave crumbs in the butter. Please keep me in your thoughts during this difficult time.

And to my children, I leave 127 open tabs on Safari.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Of course I stay hydrated. Carbohydrated.

You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, let them sip on their own bland brew.

I was neglecting my root chakra at the time, your honor.

Revenge has no expiry date. I will deal with you when I’m ready.

Once you’ve read the dictionary, every other book you read is just a remix.

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Good morning. May your day be as beautiful as I am.

Gonna spend today following my cats into the kitchen and meowing at them until they give me treats.

Just found out my asexual friend was only using me for my companionship.

Sometimes I say “huh,” then answer the question before you can repeat your question.

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist who are younger and hotter than me, but OK.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my posts start to make a lot more sense.

The first 120 hours after the weekend are always the worst.

I know I seem a little crazy sometimes, but that’s because I AM.

I didn’t ghost you, I saved you from me.

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