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5 months ago
Share →: Chuck Norris passed his driving test on foot.

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"Chuck Norris passed his driving test on foot 🚶🚗 Who needs a car when you're a legend like Chuck?"

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel by now.

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The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you.

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I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

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“It could be drugs,” I tell myself as I buy more books.

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Kinda in the mood to let my feelings impair my judgement.

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Talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does.

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Welcome to your 40s! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples.

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I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at my knees and back.

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Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

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Dear food, either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.

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Shared recently on LinkedIn:

Remember when movies felt real, and foreheads could wrinkle.

Live now on WeChat:

I am woman, hear me roar but also meow because I am sensitive.

Live now on X:

They expect me to work at work.

Reported on Slack:

After I drink coffee, I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Making waves on Messenger:

I could never abuse substances, they mean a lot to me.

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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

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Having leftover pizza for breakfast is an actual blessing.

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Finding a person to make eye contact with during stupid meetings is essential to survival in the workplace.

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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

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A more accurate description would be ‘The Darker Web’.

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Funny driving test quotes

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If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

(Making small talk with a couple) So have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life,” and it’s just that they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug, but you’re not gonna like the performance.

Getting to know someone these days is impossible. No one is really single, everyone has something going on, is hung up on their ex or is otherwise damaged in some way.

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Can’t. Too busy saving daylight.

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and so much eggs that we gathered at night and threw them at the houses of our enemies.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

“Don’t take this the wrong way!” Translation: Prepare for insult.

If I’m ever in a coma, please put chapstick on my lips.

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I think God’s next test for me should be, “Can he handle a ridiculous amount of money.”

In a parallel universe, there’s a happy me.

If cats could text you back, they wouldn’t.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

I’m really glad that light only attracts insects. Imagine wild boars would come knocking at your windows all the time.

Some 100 private jets will fly to Venice for Jeff Bezos’ wedding, and I recycle yoghurt cup lids.

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