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I just sneezed next to my computer and the anti-virus popped up.

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Damn boy, are you a horoscope? Because I’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me.

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I will not accept a hint. I will act dumb until you say it clearly to me.

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The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

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Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned.

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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning.

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Starting conversations with short people by saying “back when I was your height…”

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501 this month

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Updated

Dec 22, 2025

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Making waves on YouTube:

If you can figure out how to configure your default state to be slightly amused rather than slightly annoyed, you pretty much enter God Mode.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

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Just landed via Snapchat:

The first step to recovery is addiction.

Seen just now on TikTok:

I don’t want to “act young”. I just can’t be as “grown up” as others my age.

Going bananas on Slack:

I just think we should kiss. And kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss. But that’s just me.

Going bananas on Discord:

If you ever need me, I’m always just a couple missed calls and text messages away.

Spotted on Facebook:

My body is like an elastic band – no matter how I stretch it, it goes back to the nap position.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Just because I loved you at one point doesn’t mean I will always love you. I’m not Whitney Houston.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

I will not accept a hint. I will act dumb until you say it clearly to me.

Going viral on Instagram:

My mom asked me where I’m taking her to eat on Mother’s Day. I told her we have food at home.

Home » Funny Flamin’ Quotes

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My kid tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

0

1 month ago

cheetos, contradiction, flamin’, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, hot, humor, kid, me, parenting, snack, spicy, toothpaste, trouble

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30 shares on Twitch this month:

It’s so unfair that saying “xd” is still socially acceptable, but only if you’re speaking Spanish.

47 shares on TikTok this month:

As it turns out, the only way to avoid work stress is not going.

78 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car.

52 shares on Snapchat this month:

Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations. I knew I was ahead of my time.

20 shares on YouTube this month:

In university, you can literally tell who had no freedom at home.

58 shares on LinkedIn this month:

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

64 shares on Slack this month:

I’m surprised some of you are allowed out of your house on your own.

84 shares on TikTok this month:

I’ve never met a problem I couldn’t make worse.

18 shares on Threads this month:

Can I come over and crawl around on you like a bug?

89 shares on TikTok this month:

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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual. I just paid $18 for a coke & a sandwich. Let’s start with that.

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I had a Russian Uber driver the other day. His name was Pikup Andropov.

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Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no.

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Someone from 🇸🇳 has copied:

Being annoying is the most beautiful thing a woman could be.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Your honor, when I said I wanted to be held, I didn’t mean in contempt.

Spotted on Telegram:

All I want for Christmas this year is the housing market to crash, so I could buy a 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom house for $3.

Just landed via Snapchat:

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra.

Seen just now on TikTok:

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Making waves on Threads:

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

Just landed via Pinterest:

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Can you check if my lips taste like cherries?

Going viral on Twitch:

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

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Spotted on Threads:

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Funny flamin’ quotes

New funny flamin’ quotes 👇

My kid tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

All funny flamin’ quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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