610 funny know quotes - Page 12 - Wordgag

As you get older, nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. Like, I don’t know what to tell you, dude, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations.

Mar 25, 2026

For a long time, I didn’t know what to do with my strange thoughts. Then I signed up for Facebook.

Mar 25, 2026

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Mar 25, 2026

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Mar 25, 2026

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon.

Mar 25, 2026

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

Mar 25, 2026

I could win awards for having a bad memory. In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Mar 25, 2026

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery.

Mar 25, 2026

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday. But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Mar 25, 2026

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count.

Mar 25, 2026

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework? Vodka!

Mar 25, 2026

Got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank, you know it’s not.

Mar 25, 2026

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Mar 25, 2026

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them and suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Mar 25, 2026

Maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know.

Mar 25, 2026

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know.

Mar 25, 2026

Sisters are so important. How else would my mom find out all the stuff I didn’t want her to know.

Mar 25, 2026

Anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

Mar 25, 2026

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

Mar 25, 2026

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long.

Mar 25, 2026

You know those couples who share their food? I mean, what kind of people are they? Aren’t they hungry?

Mar 25, 2026

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cat’s problem is.

Mar 25, 2026

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

Mar 25, 2026

The question “how is work” really pisses me off. Work is work, bro, I don’t know what else you want me to say.

Mar 25, 2026

The only thing I know about AI is, it desperately wants us to have more fingers.

Mar 24, 2026

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny, then all of a sudden you know trigonometry.

Mar 24, 2026

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Mar 24, 2026

That moment when you’ve gone through Insta, Facebook, X and the new emails and you know you should start working now. Luckily, there’s YouTube.

Mar 24, 2026

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean?

Mar 24, 2026

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”.

Mar 24, 2026

Before you call me an idiot consider this: I know!

Mar 24, 2026

Just so you know, what you now call an energy bar is what my father gave the canary.

Mar 24, 2026

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out.

Mar 24, 2026

Women know the exact weight of their children and their age in days. Men just know that little people live with them.

Mar 24, 2026

Both my wife and my doctor said no more jumping on the bed. But they don’t get it. They don’t know what it’s like to live with the Monkey Instinct.

Mar 24, 2026

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your jokes or people not stealing your jokes.

Mar 24, 2026

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

Mar 24, 2026

I used to think that the older you get, the wiser and more self-confident you become. I now know that you just get tired more quickly.

Mar 24, 2026

When people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it,” I’m like, “Oh, you do not know what I’m capable of.”

Mar 24, 2026

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about.

Mar 24, 2026