610 funny know quotes - Page 11 - Wordgag

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought so many socks online last night.

Mar 25, 2026

I need new friends. The old ones know too much.

Mar 25, 2026

I will never understand why our washing machines feel the need to lie about how much time is left. If you need more time, just let me know, that’s fine.

Mar 25, 2026

Women always want to marry intelligent men. What they don’t know: Intelligent men don’t want to marry.

Mar 25, 2026

Apparently, responding to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong. I know that now.

Mar 25, 2026

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you don’t know the man and he doesn’t know you’re eating his popcorn.

Mar 25, 2026

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

Mar 25, 2026

I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Mar 25, 2026

Self-awareness is such a two-edged sword. Like, yay, I know myself better, but at what cost?

Mar 25, 2026

Instead of meeting any new people, I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Mar 25, 2026

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her.

Mar 25, 2026

I would never put up a lost dog poster. I’m not letting the whole neighborhood know I fumbled.

Mar 25, 2026

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Mar 25, 2026

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

Mar 25, 2026

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Mar 25, 2026

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here.

Mar 25, 2026

Toast doesn’t talk. How do you know it’s French?

Mar 25, 2026

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”? I’ve just been taking his word for it.

Mar 25, 2026

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately knows what to do.

Mar 25, 2026

Almost fell asleep while putting on the sweater because it got dark for a moment. That’s all you need to know about my morning state.

Mar 25, 2026

Do people who do triathlons know that they don’t have to?

Mar 25, 2026

The new generation will never know what heartbreak feels like with wired headphones that have a loose connection.

Mar 25, 2026

It’s a shame that the know-it-alls know everything better but don’t do anything better.

Mar 25, 2026

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Mar 25, 2026

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks!

Mar 25, 2026

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Mar 25, 2026

Thanks to rice cakes, I still can’t imagine nothingness, but now I know what it tastes like.

Mar 25, 2026

Old enough to know better. Young enough to do it anyway.

Mar 25, 2026

When my husband says he’ll just be a minute, I know I have enough time to watch an entire television series, paint the house, or go on a quest.

Mar 25, 2026

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and the batteries for the remote.

Mar 25, 2026

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law.

Mar 25, 2026

The longest and most adventurous journeys begin with the words: “I know a shortcut.”

Mar 25, 2026

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Mar 25, 2026Mar 25, 2026

As you get older, nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. Like, I don’t know what to tell you, dude, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations.

Mar 25, 2026

For a long time, I didn’t know what to do with my strange thoughts. Then I signed up for Facebook.

Mar 25, 2026

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

Mar 25, 2026

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Mar 25, 2026

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon.

Mar 25, 2026

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

Mar 25, 2026

I could win awards for having a bad memory. In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Mar 25, 2026