Commentary:
I swear bills have GPS, they always know when to find me! 📬💸
625 Funny know quotes
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
Commentary:
Sounds like the thermometer and my brain are in perfect synch! 🥶🧠
Here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. Some apples are delicious, some taste bad. Sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. You know what’s the same every time? Doritos.
Commentary:
Ah yes, the great battle of nutritional roulette vs. dependable Dorito dust! 🍎🎲🔶
I know so many people with cats, and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat. Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like, ‘Yeah, he just moved in.’
Commentary:
When the cats get better realtor deals than you 🏠🐈😸
School reunion is a scam… nobody is missing anyone, they just want to know whether you have made it in life or not.
Commentary:
Guess I'll have to start renting a fancy car for my next reunion 🚗💨😂 #FakeItTillYouMakeIt
If life was a video game, right now would be the time where I randomly press buttons because I don’t know what to do.
Commentary:
When life puts you on expert mode, but you can't find the 'save game' option 🤪🎮🔄
Fact: Snow in November happens because people decorate for Christmas prematurely. You know who you are. Stop it.
Commentary:
Snow in November is nature's way of saying "slow down, buddy, your tinsel enthusiasm is showing" 🎄❄️😂
The only Spanish I know is buenas noches, which means bonus nachos – like finding forgotten tortilla chips in your cargo shorts.
Commentary:
Finding bonus nachos in your shorts sounds like a spicy pocket surprise! 🌶️🩳🍟
I don’t know much, but I do know melancholia is a way cooler diagnosis than depression.
Commentary:
Melancholia sounds like a gothic band I'd definitely listen to on repeat 🎶🕶️😎
Scratching the mosquito bite on my foot? Literally orgasmic. This is the kind of stuff that the government doesn’t want you to know.
Commentary:
Government conspiracy: Mosquito bites are nature's secret pleasure button 🤣🦟🍯 #TheMoreYouKnow