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10 hours ago
Share →: I thought I had more straws. Sorry, turns out that was the last one.

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When life's giving you the short straw, guess you’re just stuck sipping on reality. 🥤🤷‍♂️

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Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

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Dear people, who drive without music playing, what do you do with your brain?

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The word “misread” can be misread as “misread.”

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I wanna date someone cuter than me, but sadly I am the cutest.

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I’m actually breaking generational curses by surviving my 20s without marrying a man who hates me.

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British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”

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Sorry, but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. Walking faster than me? Also my enemy. Now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm, yeah, I’m thinking enemy.

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Everyone’s gangster until they need to pee.

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Sometimes I worry that avoiding all human interaction isn’t a real hobby.

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At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

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Going viral on Reddit:

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Just landed via Pinterest:

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors.

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I have now spread out a blue tarpaulin in the garden. I want it to look like I have a pool on Google Maps.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Apologize for the job that you do. It would be nice if you were talented too.

Reported on Twitch:

I love you to the refrigerator and back.

Live now on Discord:

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do when I sing, “Someday My Prince Will Come,” while I’m cleaning.

Going viral on Threads:

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

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They say dress for the job you want, so I walk around dressed like Darth Vader.

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If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

“You’ve changed!” Yeah, I don’t like you.

I was so locked in, to the point where we were tongue-kissing with morning breath.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe, I am here to reassure you that you did not.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

I’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult, I’m telling your mom.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

I hope this email finds you in a well.

I believe in you. I also believe in Bigfoot so don’t get too excited.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

I hate being responsible for my own meals because I’ll either spoil myself or starve for most of the day.

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones to say I’m a control freak.

Get off the internet and go sniff a flower.

My life plans are fading like Marty McFly’s family photo.

Unless you fell off the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Next month is May. May all the money come to me.

Rock bottom should give me free sandwich and coffee for how often I hit it.

Turns out I like you a lot more than I originally planned.

Feminism convinced women they could have it all. Now they’re 40, independent, and crying in a very nice but empty apartment.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.

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