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A haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

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If pigeons could talk, they would bum a cigarette.

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I don’t want to be dramatic, but the work week continuously restarting is literally ruining my life.

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I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

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Kids should get the last name of whichever parent has more followers.

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I’m in my thirties, but I still feel like I am in my twenties; then I hang out with people in their twenties, and I’m like nope, definitely in my thirties.

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Maturing is when you’d rather drink your bourbon half-naked on the couch than go out.

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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

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My morning coffee makes me feel like I’ve got my shit together. I don’t, but it makes me feel like I do.

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People say that they want to be tall, but don’t realize how many times tall people are assaulted by spiderwebs.