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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇩 has copied:

When I’m dying, please rush me to the nearest haunted house. I don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has bookmarked:

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free. Also Spotify: we have no concept of time.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has shared:

If anime hair were real, there would be so much color dysmorphia. Like, imagine getting brown. I would be so pissed.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has viewed:

Good morning, may your coffee be strong and your boss not weird today.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has shared:

You can always tell when a man is dating someone new. Why you going to the aquarium and the museum?

Someone from 🇧🇮 has copied:

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has shared:

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

Someone from 🇨🇴 has downloaded:

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has copied:

If you go by “Toni,” I always think your full name is Rigatoni.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has copied:

Wanna go back to my place and meow at each other?

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

96 this month

Funny Quotes Total

14,690

Funny Quotes Topics

16,895

Funny Quotes Images

14,690

Updated

Dec 1, 2025

Users Online

3,875

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on X:

Just give your kids the iPad. They’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Breaking via Snapchat:

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

Just landed via Twitch:

The grass is only greener on the other side because of all the bullshit on it.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Waiting in the grocery store parking lot for the rotisserie chickens to be ready. The thrill of the hunt.

Making waves on TikTok:

It is a mistake to say that the people who live a hundred years from now will have nothing to laugh at. They can laugh at us.

Going viral on Instagram:

When something Asian becomes popular enough, it becomes Mexican.

Breaking via Pinterest:

The people that sing their heart out, but terribly, are my people.

Just shared via Slack:

Moose would have been a better name for a cow.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Women only want one thing, and it’s the power to cast men who tell us to smile right into a pit of giant venomous serpents.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

Well, at least my cat is supportive of me doing less and laying around more.

Home » Funny Self-preservation Quotes

Funny self-preservation quotes

New funny self-preservation quotes 👇

All funny self-preservation quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

New Funny Quotes
Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Trending Topics 📁

activity communication day food frustration fun humor i irony joke just know life love me media people procrastination relationship sarcasm social social media someone technology time want work

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

96 this month

Funny Quotes Total

14,690

Funny Quotes Topics

16,895

Funny Quotes Images

14,690

Updated

Dec 1, 2025

Users Online

3,788

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇳 has shared:

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has copied:

Donuts are beautiful creatures, and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has copied:

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time, and then they marry each other.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has bookmarked:

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has shared:

You could be having a nice day and then somebody your own age says they bought a house.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has downloaded:

Leaving your house and returning back safely is such an underrated blessing.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has viewed:

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has downloaded:

Date night idea: fight another couple.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has copied:

My two moods are eating a breakfast sandwich or wishing I was eating a breakfast sandwich.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has copied:

I’m writing a parenting book called ‘Kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did’.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Twitch:

At 20, I was unstoppable; at 30, I’m just unstartable.

Making waves on TikTok:

Don’t talk to me while my earphones are in, man, I’m at a concert.

Spotted on Slack:

Interviewer: “What did you learn from your previous job?” Me: “That I need a new job.”

Going viral on Twitch:

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

Spotted on Messenger:

How dare my boss set up a meeting for the time I sneak off early?

Trending via X:

Our childhood photos might be ugly but those smiles were definitely not fake.

Going viral on Twitch:

This chapter of my life is called “Ummm, okay, I guess whatever.”

Just landed via Telegram:

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Breaking via WeChat:

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

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