Going out for two days in a row should really be considered an extreme sport.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has bookmarked:

I’ve just found my wide pants again. They weren’t gone at all, they’re just my tight pants now.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has downloaded:

I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn’t wear deodorant.

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I can’t take people who pronounce “gnocchi” correctly seriously.

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The Pope is the only employee who never gets to see his boss. Not even at the Christmas party.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has copied:

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted.

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Alexa, tell Roomba to get the spider.

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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has downloaded:

Your call is really important to us but first enjoy this clarinet number for the next seventy five minutes.

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On the surface: cool as a cucumber. On the inside: squirrel in traffic.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has bookmarked:

Just gonna drink light beers today, because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 30 times.