Handyman to customer: If I had wanted you to watch me work, I would have become an actor.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has shared:

Wanted to update everybody on my diet. I’ve decided it’s okay to be fat.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has shared:

Your honor, I have a role to play as the black sheep of the family.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has shared:

Ludacris once said “If you ain’t got no money take yo’ broke ass home” and I haven’t left the house since.

Someone from 🇲🇿 has downloaded:

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name, they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has viewed:

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has bookmarked:

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door.

Someone from 🇺🇾 has bookmarked:

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has bookmarked:

90% of parenting is wondering when you can lie down again.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has viewed:

British people be like “It’s Chewsday, innit?”

Someone from 🇳🇬 has shared:

I giggle before I go crazy. Gotta start my engine.