Having a nicotine addiction is basically just adding a new base layer to Maslow’s hierarchy for no reason.

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“You let your cat on the bed?” I would put her on my life insurance.

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During arguments with idiots, I wish I could throw a flash bang and disappear.

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It doesn’t matter how bizarre your situation is. Somebody on Reddit already been there, done that.

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It’s hard to sleep knowing that cake is in the fridge.

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Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control.

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Good morning. I’m ready for attention now.

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The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by aliens.

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If only men knew the power “I made reservations, I’ll pick you up at 7” held instead of “I don’t know, whatever you wanna do.”

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I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

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Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.