I grew up in a kinder, gentler age. We pitied our fools.

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I think my dog always follows me to the bathroom because I always follow him outside and he thinks that’s the way it works.

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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

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Maybe if we sit extremely still, Monday won’t be able to see us.

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Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

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To save money in this economy, I’ve tried eating out and I’ve tried cooking at home. The answer is starvation.

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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life. It’s science.

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You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

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Do you think birds, once they get older, start people-watching?

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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood, but I’m beginning to think they don’t worry about me.