I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has bookmarked:

If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing I ran my mouth until the bitter end.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has bookmarked:

It’s freaking me out to think of how bad I’d look at the Met Gala.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has viewed:

I think Bigfoot had it right, stay in hiding from all the shitty human beings.

Someone from 🇩🇯 has viewed:

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has copied:

Vanilla perfumes are so nice. It’s like walking into a bakery but you are the bakery.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has shared:

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb.

Someone from 🇸🇾 has downloaded:

You know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has downloaded:

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today, I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has copied:

Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has downloaded:

I don’t consider myself anything but average. However, I have aged well.