I hope your day is as nice as my ass.

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Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

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The best way to get through Monday is to pretend it’s Tuesday.

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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

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Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

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No more relationships for me; the last one was an embarrassment to my gangsta.

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When you want to feel at your thinnest, walk through Walmart at any time of day.

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My doubters will become my grouters when I remodel the bathroom of success.

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I’m convinced the washing machine is a portal to another dimension for socks.

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How I clean my room: 1. Start in one corner. 2. Find something from six years ago and stare at it nostalgically for five hours. 3. Go to bed.

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The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.