I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

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Live, laugh, leftovers.

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A few months after the wedding, Cinderella’s husband began to complain about her having too many shoes.

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My biggest fear is waking up and being in the Renaissance era or something. Imagine having the knowledge of hot dogs but lacking the tools to make them.

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Whitening my teeth by getting a tan.

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My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

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His palm trees are Serengeti, destination wedding, luggage is heavy. There’s vomit on his tux already, Dollar store confetti.

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Due to unfortunate circumstances, things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious.

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Since I’ve stayed away from most people, I get on much better with people.

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It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me.

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Whenever I lose my faith in justice, I look at the high school beauties from back then today. Then I’m fine again.