Commentary:
"Well, at least someone has high standards when it comes to earning a living Who knew a blood bank could be viewed as a den of suspicious transactions? Better watch out for those shady vampires offering interest-free loans next!"
New funny quotes 
Commentary:
"Ah, the classic gateway to addiction: feeling good. Just remember, everything in moderation… especially feeling good!
"
Related Funny Quotes 
- Half the world is mentally ill. The other half is to blame.
- Plot twist: weed is addicted to me.
- I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just very close.
- Google Maps should not count towards my screen time. I’m not addicted to my phone, I’m disoriented.
- So I just googled my symptoms, turns out I’m addicted to you.
Commentary:
"Looks like someone unlocked the secret superhero level of social awkwardness! But hey, turning embarrassing moments into great stories is definitely a talent too!
#SuperheroOfAwkwardness"
Related Funny Quotes 
- Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself.
- My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
- Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
- My superpower is holding onto stuff for years and throwing it away exactly one week before I need it.
- My superpower is always picking the line at the grocery store that moves the slowest.

Please don’t send me mixed signals, I don’t even understand the clear ones.
Commentary:
Ah, sending mixed signals is like trying to speak a foreign language without knowing the basics! It's a real head-scratcher for sure!
Just stick to one signal at a time, folks!
#LostInTranslation
Related Funny Quotes 
- Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
- I thought my mixed signals were perfectly clear.
- I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
- Mr. Mixed Signals decided he likes me today.
- I’ll never understand why the volume in movies is always mixed in such a way that you can barely understand the dialog and your neighbor gets war flashbacks during action scenes.

The point of life is going to a good restaurant and getting two cocktails with dinner. That’s it.
Commentary:
"Ah, the simple joys of life summed up perfectly! Who needs profound existential questions when you can have two cocktails and a good meal?!
#LivingTheDream"
Related Funny Quotes 
- It’s curious how kids are always really hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
- My friends have canceled our dinner plans two nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
- I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee.
- I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
- My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
Commentary:
"Before coffee: a mysterious blend of grumpy, confused, and not-to-be-disturbed… After coffee: a powerhouse of charm, wit, and productivity! Embrace the transformation – caffeine is the real magic potion!"
Related Funny Quotes 
- Hello! I’m Britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is: I tell you my real surname, then my real forename, then my real surname again, in case you missed it.
- I’m so old, I still drink my coffee at home in the morning. From a real cup.
- Listen, before I had my coffee I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today either.
- I’m on this new diet where I don’t consume anything that talks to me before the first coffee.
- Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.
Commentary:
"Breaking news: my diet plan has been upgraded from 'salad every meal' to 'embracing my inner marshmallow' Who needs abs when you can have fab?
#BodyPositivity"
Related Funny Quotes 
- My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
- Being lazy has its advantages. I still have most of my winter fat from last year.
- Just emerged from my Y2K bunker. Everybody okay?
- Body: Okay, sleepy time. Brain: Okay, thinky time.
- Are you a software update, because not now!
Commentary: Ah, the thrill of victorious clapping upon safely touching ground, as if we've just witnessed a legendary feat! Society has granted us permission once more to indulge in this quirky tradition – so let the applause soar as high as the airplane did! Who knew a simple descent could ignite such excitement? Let the claps fly!
Related Funny Quotes 
- Looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
- It should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking.
- There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
- Guy who normally applauds when the plane lands right before the pilot crashes it: “Boo!”
- We went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish.

It’s been so long since I had sex last, went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound.
Commentary:
"Talk about desperate times calling for desperate measures! Hopefully next time there's a different kind of 'exercise' involved!"
Related Funny Quotes 
- Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops.
- I suppose the supreme discipline for ninjas is sneaking up with flip flops.
- I don’t think I’d be so scared of spiders if they had eight tiny flip flops on.
- If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
- It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man.
Commentary:
"Debating with this person is like trying to win at a game of 'Agree to Disagree'! When it comes to a battle of wits, they've perfected the art of making you agree yourself out of the discussion.
#MasterOfAgreeing"
Related Funny Quotes 
- It’s crazy that you don’t really argue with a baby for the first year of its life and then you have to argue with the baby every day.
- Half the world is mentally ill. The other half is to blame.
- Yes, I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me.
- If caterpillars are able to sleep for a long time and come out prettier, why cant I?
- Hey, sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes.
Commenting “what about us?” on all Valentine pics this year.
Commentary:
Tag yourself as the ultimate Valentine's Day meme! 
#WhatAboutUs #ValentinesDay"
"Preparing for Valentine's Day like:
Related Funny Quotes