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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇩🇯 has bookmarked:

Nighty night! Don’t let the horror of existence bite.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has downloaded:

Facebook should just go back to being Hot or Not dot com.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has bookmarked:

It’s time for basic human empathy to make a comeback.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has viewed:

What do you mean I never reach out? I literally thought about you.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has downloaded:

There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do absolutely nothing.

Someone from 🇧🇦 has bookmarked:

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans.

Someone from 🇬🇾 has bookmarked:

It’s jarring for me when there are British people in the Midwest. How did you get this far inland?

Someone from 🇦🇿 has viewed:

Had some plain yogurt with protein powder in it for breakfast, and not only is it high in protein and very filling, it’s also disgusting.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has downloaded:

It’s crazy that we’re closer to the year 3000 then I am to finding love.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has bookmarked:

What if AirPods had tongues and they started licking the inside of your ears to indicate they’re low on battery?

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Telegram:

80s movies: Let’s go to the future! Today: Let’s go back to the 80s!

Trending via Threads:

Tested positive for needing a kiss.

Going viral on Threads:

Finding a person to make eye contact with during stupid meetings is essential to survival in the workplace.

Freshly posted on Slack:

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

Coming back to your own bed after a few days away is peak coziness.

Trending via YouTube:

I’m sorry to break it to you, but you need a soul to have a soulmate.

Seen just now on X:

Getting a wife is very powerful, because you get a personal psychic that will tell you things like, “Your keys are in the gray pants in the hamper,” and “He will ultimately betray you.”

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

The clitoris has 8,000 nerves, if you gonna get on my nerves, get on one of those.

Trending via Messenger:

…and so ends another week of me not becoming unexpectedly rich.

Going viral on Pinterest:

If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?

I thought I had more straws. Sorry, turns out that was the last one.

7 days ago

Funny Quotes

Funny text about mistaken assumptions and last straw moments, playful and lighthearted.

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Commentary:
When life's giving you the short straw, guess you’re just stuck sipping on reality. 🥤🤷‍♂️

apology, humor, i, last, last one, mistake, misunderstanding, sorry, straw, straws, thought

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Social Media Stars ⭐

26 shares on WeChat this month:

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

93 shares on Telegram this month:

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says “Smell this,” it usually smells nice.

55 shares on Slack this month:

Unless I say otherwise, I am always tired.

37 shares on Discord this month:

Liking someone romantically is actually just a humiliation ritual.

55 shares on Slack this month:

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want them to get lice.

97 shares on Slack this month:

Tonight I will make history, by turning off incognito mode.

39 shares on Twitch this month:

Maybe making another financially irresponsible decision will fix me.

47 shares on YouTube this month:

You are allowed to be crazy as long as you are equally as hot.

46 shares on Telegram this month:

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

91 shares on WhatsApp this month:

There’s an epidemic of people just staring at their phones in their parked cars.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇮 has viewed:

Kids are like pancakes. The first one is always a bit strange.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has downloaded:

Don’t get horny around me; I’m an empath.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has copied:

Group projects in school weren’t meant to teach you teamwork, they were meant to teach you how to deal with the incompetence of your coworkers in the workplace.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has copied:

Life is so exciting. I was in my bedroom and now I’m in the living room. Who knows where I’ll go next.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has viewed:

Not now, I’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has copied:

I want to run through your dreams and settle in your nightmares.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has bookmarked:

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has viewed:

Fun fact: the creator of Barbie and the creator of Hot Wheels were husband and wife.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has downloaded:

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I never wanted to download the Microsoft Authenticator app on my personal phone to access every professional platform necessary to do my job.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has downloaded:

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Messenger:

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

Just shared via Reddit:

I love jogging in this heat, cause the sweat hides my tears.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

Should we all just give up and get really into drugs? Wait, this is literally what happened in the 60s. That just clicked for me.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

Dear razor commercials, please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress someone, shave a gorilla.

Spreading quickly via TikTok:

Fake laughing at work is exhausting as hell, just leave me alone, bro.

Just landed via Pinterest:

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons, and 85% morons.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

“I’m not concerned about Netflix buying Warner Brothers. None of this will matter once we evolve gills and start living underwater.”

Trending via Instagram:

At this point of my celibacy, I can see the same colors as mantis shrimp. What do you know about blorange and gurple?

Shared recently on Discord:

Times New Roman never did anything to anybody. It was a real trooper. Then society unceremoniously dethroned it.

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Activity Log ✨

I thought I had more straws. Sorry, turns out that was the last one.

There has been a British voice in my head saying, “Bit sad innit,” for the past few weeks.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun.” Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano.

Every single morning, I have to get out of bed and do things, and it’s bullshit.

Heard a recording of my own voice, and now I can never speak again.

I miss having that butterfly feeling. People give me roach vibes at this point.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I thought I had more straws. Sorry, turns out that was the last one.

Keep the laugh going 😂

There has been a British voice in my head saying, “Bit sad innit,” for the past few weeks.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun.” Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano.

Every single morning, I have to get out of bed and do things, and it’s bullshit.

Heard a recording of my own voice, and now I can never speak again.

I miss having that butterfly feeling. People give me roach vibes at this point.

All people make me happy. Some when they come, others when they leave.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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