I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

82 shares on Telegram this month:

I really thought adulthood would be 50% freedom and 50% fun. Turns out it’s 100% bills.

56 shares on Twitch this month:

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

54 shares on Facebook this month:

My super talent is hitting every red light on the way to wherever the hell I’m going.

79 shares on Pinterest this month:

Went to the gym two days in a row. This is a fitness account now.

32 shares on Discord this month:

All the fruit flies are well-behaved near the garbage, only one is constantly nagging somewhere else because it thinks it has to discover new lands.

28 shares on Snapchat this month:

For whom the doom scrolls!

48 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”, because if it was a good morning, I’d still be asleep.

92 shares on Discord this month:

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for those cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

89 shares on WeChat this month:

What’s it called when you’re super insecure but, at the same time, you can walk into a room full of people and think you’re better than everyone else?

37 shares on Discord this month:

There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.