I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

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Millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to.

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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history.

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Boyfriend hasn’t accepted my LinkedIn request yet. He doesn’t want to connect. He doesn’t want to build.

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Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

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Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

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I be like, “I needed this,” and it’s just me getting drunk.

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My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving bloody crumb trails.

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Once you realize I’m an idiot, my posts start to make a lot more sense.

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Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though.

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It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”. I don’t even know where that is.