I want to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand.

50 shares on Messenger this month:

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

70 shares on WhatsApp this month:

The era where you dropped your phone and your battery flew out was just crazy.

74 shares on Pinterest this month:

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

66 shares on Slack this month:

I absolutely loooooove getting in the bed. The excitement of finally laying down? Unmatched.

24 shares on Pinterest this month:

Your girlfriend needs two hours to get ready. But if you don’t have your shoes on when she’s ready, you’re the problem.

39 shares on Threads this month:

“Tom Cruise does his own stunts!” Okay cool, but so do I.

27 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I wanted to study psychology, but I have more potential as a patient, to be honest.

40 shares on Facebook this month:

Sometimes I’ll drink a ginger ale and eat a Biscoff cookie and sit up in kind of an unnatural position and pretend I’m on a Delta flight.

30 shares on Threads this month:

So many spreadsheets and not once did I feel excelled.

49 shares on Messenger this month:

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it’s the vodka.