I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

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Good morning everyone, who feels like working today? I promise I’ll let you do my job.

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Perks of being a girl: You can think about whatever you want in public without worrying about boners.

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We’re all naughty, some just more than others.

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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

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Mission Impossible theme song plays in my head when I’m trying to remember a password.

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I was having a great day, and then, people.

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I hate when the iPhone corrects ‘Omw’ to ‘On my way!’. Man, I am not that excited.