If you’re just talking nonsense all the time and not thinking about what you’re doing, you’re either in love or at the office.

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That awkward moment between birth and death.

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One or the other, Lord – I can’t be broke and heartbroken.

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Do you know how much effort goes into looking this regular?

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Most men will receive their first bunch of flowers at their funeral.

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Outside letting mosquitoes get some of this.

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There is nothing an orgasm can’t fix, I have researched it extensively.

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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision.

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Have been dipping my toe into doing Pilates, and let me tell you, women are real sickos.

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The older I get, the more I love my morning coffee and no one speaking to me.

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I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.