Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul.

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Feelings are like children. You don’t want them driving the car, but you shouldn’t stuff them in the trunk either.

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My favorite thing to do is nothing.

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All these microplastics in me could at least do some repair work to my knees and back while they’re in there.

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If at first you don’t succeed, the internet will let you know immediately.

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Just spent a couple seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside.

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We decided to have money instead of children.

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To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work.

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I find it extremely hard to believe that you’re rolling on the floor laughing.

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Only difference between me and someone in a psych ward is I’m outside.

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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.