My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”.

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Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

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I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

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I really thought adulthood would be 50% freedom and 50% fun. Turns out it’s 100% bills.

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Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

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No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

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It’s Monday again and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.

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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

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I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

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Being an adult is realizing $1000 is little money to have, but a lot to owe.

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Applying for jobs feels like auditioning to be enthusiastic about a blind date you haven’t even met yet.