My only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna.

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I don’t do exercise because one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee.

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Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions, doesn’t mean the road is paved.

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What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know.

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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

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I wanna be crazy rich. I’m already crazy, so I’m half way there.

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If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you are holding the taser wrong.

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Y’all are single because y’all are looking for 90’s love in this sick generation.

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Summer: 10 minutes outside, 10 hours in front of the AC.

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What base is it when he says, “I know you need it badly,” but he’s talking about sleep?