My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable.

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Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

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I can’t go to war, I have to water my plants.

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You couldn’t pay me to do this year again.

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Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”.

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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

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Daylight savings is just a made up holiday to sell more daylight.

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The Pope is the only employee who never gets to see his boss. Not even at the Christmas party.

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That’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision.

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Every time I have to repeat myself, a new curse word gets added into the sentence.