Naked and Afraid because there’s a spider in the shower with me.

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That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test.

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Roses are red, violets are blue, sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but no, this is just gardening facts.

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I don’t like talking to people with an IQ lower than the room temperature.

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If I ever win the lottery and decide to invest in a billboard company, I won’t tell anyone; but there will be signs.

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The porn bots liking my posts from years ago is just reminding me that I’ve always been hilarious.

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Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

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So many mistakes to make, so little time.

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The problem with leading by example is that no one pays attention.

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Nothing is riskier than closing your eyes again in the morning for that extra minute of sleep.

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You can’t spell disappointment without me.