Newborns cry because they’re being evicted.

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God saw you do that.

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Having Twitter is just like reading the newspaper, except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you.

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I wonder what other animals we tried to ride before discovering that horses were cool with it.

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Doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer, it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day.

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Life hack: you don’t need salt if you just cry into your dinner.

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If I had my Pinterest wardrobe, I would be unstoppable.

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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

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Interesting people are my favorite endangered species.

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Gnocchi: The small, chubby children of spaghetti and potatoes.