Nighty night! Don’t let the horror of existence bite.

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There is a giant spider on my dash so I’m going to have to buy a new car now.

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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

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You should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science.

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Grab your own butt! Love yourself!

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You gotta wonder why they just don’t make all bread garlic bread.

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I was hoping to age like a fine wine, but I sort of feel more like an avocado.

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I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

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Unpopular opinion: a honeymoon is more needed 5 to 10 years down the road, versus right after getting married.

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Humanity was engineered as a biological weapon but left abandoned early in its development.

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Unfortunately, a great many problems in life can be solved by just being hotter.