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I like my coffee so strong that it wakes up the neighbors.

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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought a couple days ago have ripened.

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Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU.

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Life is so dull when you don’t have someone to flirt with.

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They should make a Wikipedia for normal people. I should be able to google my barista.

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Adult life sucks. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

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I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair, then runs back out again; and I then have to fall asleep holding a crucifix.

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Lego bricks are classic educational toys. You step on them once and you can do ballet.

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We argue about where to go for dinner for so long, it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast.

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You can mess up big time letting someone know you have a printer.