I lied, there’s no sex. Stand over there and tell me if this painting I’m hanging is straight. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend? Posted onMay 25, 2026
I still get so surprised every time someone I find attractive finds me attractive. Like, are you sure? Posted onMay 25, 2026
Sometimes uncontrollable laughter is all you need to get the millions of thoughts out of your head. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I never though I’d be the kind of person who wakes up early to exercise. I was right. Posted onMay 25, 2026
My phone and it’s charger are in a situationship and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Harry Potter is sort of crazy. I would have never fought a war for my high school. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Sign at the zoo says “don’t stick your hand in the alligator cage”. Thanks, but I’ll do my own research. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I don’t think human beings were built to know everything going on in the world all the time. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Jesus spent his time among the mentally ill, the poor and unemployed, the prostitutes. So, in a way, by being on Twitter, we’re like Jesus. Posted onMay 25, 2026
It sucks when you realize it’s only Thursday, until you realize it’s Wednesday. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Your call is really important to us but first enjoy this clarinet number for the next seventy five minutes. Posted onMay 25, 2026
A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file. Posted onMay 25, 2026