No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened, I’ll just look at my 401k. Posted onMay 25, 2026
That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck. Posted onMay 25, 2026
It’s not that I want more shoes, it’s just that they keep making them in my size. Posted onMay 25, 2026
All these years on the internet we have been working for artificial intelligence. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I love when kids tell me what they want to be when they grow up, because I’m still looking for ideas. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Declined stepping on the scale at the doctor’s office because no one needs that kind of negativity in her life. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Don’t invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Autocorrect is like a tiny person inside your phone that sometimes gets drunk and says the dumbest things. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Out of all my body parts, I’m sure my eyes are in the best shape. I do at least 463 eye rolls a day. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Welcome to your 40s. “I’m too old for this shit” is now your excuse and explanation for everything. Posted onMay 25, 2026
A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Remember when we were young and said “I’ll sleep when i’m older”? Well, now we can’t when we want to. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cause kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you. Posted onMay 25, 2026
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday. Posted onMay 25, 2026