Did you know electronics need smoke to work? Once the smoke comes out of them, they stop working. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Welcome to your 40s. “I’m too old for this shit” is now your excuse and explanation for everything. Posted onMay 25, 2026
A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Remember when we were young and said “I’ll sleep when i’m older”? Well, now we can’t when we want to. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cause kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you. Posted onMay 25, 2026
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Ugh, those red and blue flashing lights are interfering with my driving and scrolling. Posted onMay 25, 2026
The only warning I take seriously these days is when my cell phone battery is low. Posted onMay 25, 2026
One day I’ll do amazing things. Today I’ll be satisfied if I don’t spill food on my lap. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I changed my alarm clock sound to an applause, it’s the least I deserve for waking up at 7am. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time. Posted onMay 25, 2026
God, I’m not trying to rush you for my soulmate; but could I get the tracking number? Posted onMay 25, 2026
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites, so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If you start liking someone, just block them. Follow me for more relationship advice. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I hate that moment when you are tired and sleepy but as soon as you go to bed your body is like “just kidding.” Posted onMay 25, 2026