Nothing really prepares you for when your favorite sweatpants begin to fall apart. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Maybe the elephant doesn’t want to be addressed, and we should respect their boundaries. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Every time I do something stupid, my dad stares at my mom like he wants a refund. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I’m at the age where I see a huge, beautiful mansion in a movie and think, “How much does it cost to heat that house in the winter?” Posted onMay 29, 2026
I swear the air gets heavier around 6 p.m. on Sundays. You can feel the Microsoft Teams energy approaching. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I would do absolutely anything to get 8 hours of sleep, except for going to bed 8 hours before I need to wake up. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100. Posted onMay 29, 2026
What age will I grow out of not answering the door when I’m home and sneaking around the house to find out who’s knocking? Posted onMay 29, 2026
Find someone who cares about you as much as Gmail cares about new devices signing into your account. Posted onMay 29, 2026
“This is a great weekend to clean out the garage,” according to my wife and other people who won’t be cleaning the garage. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Play the Grindr notification noise at Christmas dinner to see which conservative relatives panickedly check their phone ringer. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie. I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Every marriage has a personality hire, and then someone who knows how insurance works. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I forgot to sweep up some crumbs earlier, and I just heard an ant moaning in pleasure as he discovered the bounty. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I love how all the Black Friday deals this year are just the price of the item before the tariffs. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Sometimes I’ll pause a YouTube video to scroll on reels. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to be loved genuinely. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Retiring my wallet condom after two years of active duty. 87 tours with 0 combat deployments. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It scares me when you stay up late, like 3 a.m., and you hear a car go down the road, like, where are you going? Posted onMay 29, 2026
Forget about “long story short”… I’m gonna start saying “short story long,” and take you on a journey you didn’t ask for. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Accidentally said “normal” when they asked what milk I wanted at the leftist cafe. Posted onMay 29, 2026
People who have apartment windows that face the street and put their Christmas trees in them, thank you for your service. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Nothing I do for money is passion-based. It’s just pure hatred for being broke. Posted onMay 29, 2026