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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇴 has bookmarked:

I hope all of you get laid and not laid off this year. Amen.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has shared:

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has copied:

I am brilliantly social for one and a half hours, and then I need to recover in my bedroom cave for two days.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has downloaded:

Welcome to your 50s: You’re not attracted to anyone who likes you.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has viewed:

The lion is actually pretty concerned right now.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has downloaded:

I believe in Bigfoot because Bigfoot believes in me.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has bookmarked:

Flirting is easy until it’s someone you actually like.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has downloaded:

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has bookmarked:

The people who are $30 trillion in debt are giving you a credit score.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has bookmarked:

I wish I could have a kid just to see what it looks like… and then put it back.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,645

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Adulthood is wild. One day I’m transferring money to my savings account, and three days later, I’m transferring it out to save myself.

Spotted on TikTok:

I end all my sentences with “Just saying..” because ending them with “You bonehead..” would probably be considered offensive.

Making waves on Twitch:

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

Shared recently on WeChat:

Sobriety: because my standards got tired of lowering themselves.

Seen just now on Facebook:

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

Going viral on TikTok:

Do you also watch porn until the end to see if they end up getting married?

Just shared via WhatsApp:

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

Just landed via X:

A selfie only a mother could like.

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

Seen just now on Messenger:

Sometimes you choose the GIF-war over your responsibilities.

People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous quote about laziness with playful words, saying they chose sleep over chasing dreams.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
"Who needs reality when dreaming is much cozier? 💤😄 #DreamBigButNapHard"

back, bed, dream, dreams, follow, humor, i, motivation, people, procrastination, sleep

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90 shares on Slack this month:

11:00 am – Anything is possible. 3:00 pm – But not today.

15 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one.

59 shares on Reddit this month:

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

48 shares on Threads this month:

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early, they’re going to have to learn how to make coffee.

58 shares on TikTok this month:

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40, the mannequins should be laying on a couch.

27 shares on Slack this month:

Tired of looking at a bad screen. Can’t wait to get home and look at a good screen.

42 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Every ‘c’ in ‘Pacific Ocean’ is pronounced differently.

39 shares on Facebook this month:

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

77 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Mental state: just googled “When will the sun explode.”

23 shares on Messenger this month:

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇲 has shared:

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!

Someone from 🇳🇿 has downloaded:

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car, looking at your watch, and waiting for everybody else to come out.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has downloaded:

I love sleeping. You don’t spend any money and you don’t miss anyone.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has downloaded:

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has bookmarked:

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has copied:

Dear diary, sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Someone from 🇲🇪 has bookmarked:

Isolation, the most goated coping mechanism. I love talking to no one and losing my mind alone.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has viewed:

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has downloaded:

Sorry, can you repeat what you said? I didn’t have my glasses on.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has shared:

Not to brag, but what a time to be childless.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on YouTube:

Roman soldiers are all like “I’m going to fight you in this short yet tasteful leather skirt.”

Live now on Telegram:

If you tell lies about me, I’ll tell the truth about you.

Live now on LinkedIn:

Dear predictive text, I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Just landed via Instagram:

Got me some lemons now for the cold. I hope the tequila helps.

Going viral on Snapchat:

When the salesman from the hearing aid company calls, I stay on the line and answer every question with ‘What?’

Just landed via Instagram:

I’ve just filed a restraining order against reality.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service? Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.

Going viral on Twitch:

When did making sense stop making sense?

Shared recently on Slack:

In an effort to keep our house clean before Thanksgiving, I’ve asked my family to go live somewhere else.

Shared recently on Discord:

I asked Tom Hanks for his autograph, but all he wrote was thanks.

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Activity Log ✨

People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

Diet Coke so crisp I moaned.

Whenever I see an athlete eating quark, I get sad, because the quark could have been turned into cheesecake.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles.

“AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football line-ups on and off for 8 hours.

Of course there’s birth control for men. It’s called the way they act.

I’m stuck between “I need to save money” and “You only live once.”

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Diet Coke so crisp I moaned.

Whenever I see an athlete eating quark, I get sad, because the quark could have been turned into cheesecake.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles.

“AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football line-ups on and off for 8 hours.

Of course there’s birth control for men. It’s called the way they act.

I’m stuck between “I need to save money” and “You only live once.”

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨