People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

19 shares on Facebook this month:

I don’t hate you, I just don’t want to see you alive.

59 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Occupation: the ugly friend!

83 shares on YouTube this month:

When my husband says, “Let me ask my wife,” he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

68 shares on Slack this month:

Nobody watches you harder than people who don’t like you, so give them a show they will never forget.

25 shares on Snapchat this month:

Hey babe, wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

56 shares on Facebook this month:

Turns out “YouTube rabbit hole” is not a reliable science degree.

92 shares on Instagram this month:

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and so much eggs that we gathered at night and threw them at the houses of our enemies.

79 shares on Pinterest this month:

It probably feels so good to ram your head into something as a cat.

46 shares on Messenger this month:

Out of Office: I am on vacation. Your emails will be forwarded nowhere to be read by no one. Good day.

84 shares on Instagram this month:

I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like a cat. 14 hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets.