People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

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Life is strange. We come into the world with nothing, then we struggle for everything, and finally, we leave with nothing.

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That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said.

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The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

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Pinky promises are still a legit foundation of trust.

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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing.

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God: “Free will was a bad idea. I should have charged for it.”

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Imagine hating me and I’m just over here hating myself.

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Curious that talented athletes frequently credit God when they win, but we rarely see them blame God when they lose.

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Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

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My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.