Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working.

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I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur.

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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

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Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time. Me: You’re welcome.

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Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.

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There’s something meditative about cleaning. It’s the perfect time to reflect and plan revenge on every single person who has ever wronged you.

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A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

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On my way to Mordor. You nerds need anything?

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People say opposites attract, but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying.

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Gonna go walk the beach and stare annoyingly at couples. May even growl as I pass by.

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I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay, because every time I cook it screams at me.