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I used to have a great future in my past.

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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

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They say money doesn’t solve all problems, but it will surely solve all of mine.

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Stop trying to be liked by everybody. You don’t even like everybody.

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Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

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Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.

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Some people have goals based on a summer body. Mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.