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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇷🇺 has bookmarked:

Nothing really prepares you for when your favorite sweatpants begin to fall apart.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has viewed:

Feelings are like children. You don’t want them driving the car, but you shouldn’t stuff them in the trunk either.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has viewed:

If they don’t look at you like you’re magic, disappear like Houdini.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

Before marriage, I would sit at a stoplight for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has shared:

Male birth control is free, and it’s called wearing Crocs with socks.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has viewed:

Hair is washed. I am finally lovable and capable of loving again.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has shared:

Sex is cool, but have you ever received reassurance without asking for it?

Someone from 🇰🇳 has copied:

Thanksgiving ain’t been the same ever since my uncle pulled that gun out on everybody.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has bookmarked:

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has bookmarked:

Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged item at the thrift store that doesn’t smell.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Twitch:

My favorite unit of measurement is smithereens.

Shared recently on Twitch:

Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted people to watch how they speak to me.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

People that never want to leave the house unite! Separately at our own homes.

Breaking via Slack:

Hi, I’m online. Would you like to argue for an hour about whether a hotdog is a sandwich?

Broadcasted on Slack:

My spirit animal is that bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into windows.

Going bananas on YouTube:

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Breaking via WeChat:

I believe my ex-wife is days away from having a nuclear weapon.

Live now on Pinterest:

If you can figure out how to configure your default state to be slightly amused rather than slightly annoyed, you pretty much enter God Mode.

Just shared via Facebook:

Do you laugh at your own jokes, or are you emotionally stable?

Shared recently on Telegram:

I hear the responses my young siblings give my mom, and I’m speechless; they don’t know the commando she was in her prime.

Sausage might clog my arteries, but it lubricates my soul.

8 hours ago

Funny Quotes

Playful quote about indulgence, comparing sausage to soul-lubrication with humorous flair.

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Commentary:
That sausage really understands how to break hearts and mend souls at the same time! 🥓❤️😇

artery, food, health, humor, indulgence, pleasure, sausage, soul

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70 shares on Threads this month:

Almost fell asleep while putting on the sweater because it got dark for a moment. That’s all you need to know about my morning state.

50 shares on YouTube this month:

I have three full closets of nothing to wear.

64 shares on Reddit this month:

Dear algo, please only show this post to benevolent aliens.

69 shares on Messenger this month:

Being single is so crazy. What do you mean there’s No One?

63 shares on Threads this month:

“What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently?” I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day.

33 shares on WhatsApp this month:

You’ll pay good money to hear a comedian say something offensive, but when I say it for free, I’m the bad guy.

53 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Never trust a man that’s good at flirting. He’s had too much practice.

29 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Today’s toddlers can switch on laptops and use apps. When I was little, I ate sand.

80 shares on Discord this month:

Excuse me, can you direct me to the nonsense?

66 shares on YouTube this month:

I love coming home and being at home and sitting inside my home and staying home.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇻🇪 has bookmarked:

There must be an opposite of suicide, where someone suddenly and radically decides to start living, and rescues their own life from meaninglessness.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has downloaded:

Having a job is crazy. When you’re at home, you feel lonely and want to go to work. When you’re at work, you’re exhausted and just want to go home.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has bookmarked:

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has copied:

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has shared:

My ego is bruised so I’m going to ice it with some cold beer.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has viewed:

Sorry I’m late, I was fighting for my right to party.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has bookmarked:

Why go to the art museum when I can just stare at you?

Someone from 🇦🇸 has copied:

The pain of watching a movie with someone who talks a lot.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has bookmarked:

I’m so old, I used to block people by simply holding the door shut.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has copied:

80 percent of my life now is just “hmmmm… should I bring my jacket or not?”

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Pinterest:

Nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping.

Making waves on Telegram:

I hope the next time you’re stressed, it’s because you’re choosing between Japan, Bali, Switzerland, or the Maldives.

Just shared via Threads:

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realization it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Trending via Snapchat:

Blocking people isn’t enough. I need their favorite TV show to get cancelled.

Seen just now on X:

Being drunk and liking every tweet without reading it.

Just landed via X:

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats breakfast standing up?

Making waves on WeChat:

I’m at the age where using the wrong pillow makes you feel like you broke your neck.

Just shared via Instagram:

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”.

Live now on Reddit:

I’m not an idiot anymore, universe, please stop with the lessons.

Trending via Messenger:

In case you wanna quit vaping, I’d suggest using a harmonica.

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Activity Log ✨

Sausage might clog my arteries, but it lubricates my soul.

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

I don’t understand why banks get so mad when you can’t pay back your loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

The grass isn’t really greener over there; that’s just a filter.

Got sent to HR for calling someone a “jellyfish” — just floating around all day, doing absolutely nothing.

I love saying “sounds good” at work, and no shit be sounding good.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Sausage might clog my arteries, but it lubricates my soul.

Keep the laugh going 😂

If I could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, I’d pick living.

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

I don’t understand why banks get so mad when you can’t pay back your loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

The grass isn’t really greener over there; that’s just a filter.

Got sent to HR for calling someone a “jellyfish” — just floating around all day, doing absolutely nothing.

I love saying “sounds good” at work, and no shit be sounding good.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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