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That awkward moment when everything is going so perfectly… and then you wake up.

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My bed wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.

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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

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Crazy how every smart person recommends going for walks.

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Guys will say, “I know a spot,” and then take you on a downward spiral.

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Met my soulmate again today: mashed potatoes and gravy.

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The only thing longer than the opening ceremony of the Olympics is the opening ceremony of my eyes in the morning.

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I told a joke to my boss, and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

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My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

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Lego bricks are classic educational toys. You step on them once and you can do ballet.