Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

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They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters. I bet it would have sold millions.

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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

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In the American Bible, Eve was made from part of a McRib.

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Single in the womb, single till the tomb!

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I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

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I wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes.

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The closest I have ever come to bungee jumping was when I was born.

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If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics. Someone will come to argue with you.

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It’s okay if you don’t like me, not everyone has good taste.

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Never get in between a girl and her fries. It’s just common sense really.