The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

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Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.

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“God has a plan for you!” Okay, well, I have some notes for him.

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If you relate to me, get some help!

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Threatening my wife with a tariff every time she makes fun of me.

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Facebook: because time isn’t going to pass on it’s own.

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Turtles made out of plastic, problem solved.

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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing.

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To all of you who have never tried blindfold archery: You don’t know what you’re missing!

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It’s amazing how so many people can rave about Star Wars or Star Trek and at the same time make sure that the only realistic future prospect is Mad Max.

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No, they’re not “symptoms of depressions.” They’re Blue’s Clues.