The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

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My parents still haven’t apologized for making me ugly.

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Nurse: “This may hurt.” Me: “My life hasn’t been much fun either.”

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One year older today, and still no closer to growing up.

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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar, my wife is right behind me.

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What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches?

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I actually love talking to strangers, they will unknowingly say some shit that shifts your perspective, and you never see them again.

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What if they close grocery stores and we have to hunt for our food? I don’t even know where the little gummy bears live.

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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, what would Jesus do? Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

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The Princess and the Pea, except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day.

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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving, I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.